Just keep going. No feeling is final - Rilke
At the end of last year I had a big health scare and one of the important components of recovery is…guess what?! Exercise (rolling eyes). Not like a hike here and there or a class once a week. I need to actually commit to 5 to 6 days of the week with full strength/cardio training. Since I very much would like to live a full, very long life, I signed up for the gym and there I went to figure out what a Deadlift is, a Romanian pull and a Sumo Squat. On my earbuds is the voice of a very motivational trainer who is gently but enthusiastically making sure I’m doing what I need to finish the workout.
Needless to say I’ve laughed, sighed, screamed and collapsed throughout these routines. I'm very grateful for the strangers doing similar things next to me at the gym. It gets interesting when we have to turn to exercises not with the priority to get in shape but because our health depends on it. Mental, emotional and physical. During these workouts, we get to see where we want to cut corners or straight up give up. Where we have to muster the energy to get to the end. And, we get to do this while observing the internal conversation happening in parallel inside our minds. One thing is true, from all the times I’ve gone to the gym in this period, there wasn’t one, not a single time, I haven’t felt better than when I entered the place, even when I was dragging my body inside the door.
I’ve been reflecting on the real impact this activity has had on my life and I suspect it’s due to the fact that I get to go there, do this hard thing and finish it. I commit to start and to end it. In life it’s not always like this, it can get more complex or nuanced. We don’t get to hear from a trainer “and… you are done! You did it! Give yourself a round of applause”. Most of the time we very much feel we are on an everlasting treadmill journey. Trying to move from point A to point B, if we are lucky to know where that point B is and what we need to do to get there.
In Tibetan Buddhism there’s a term called Bardo. Francesca Fremantle, Ph.D says “Bardo can have many implications, depending on how one looks at it. It is an interval, a hiatus, a gap. It can act as a boundary that divides and separates, marking the end of one thing and the beginning of another; but it can also be a link between the two: it can serve as a bridge or a meeting place, which brings together and unites. It is a crossing, a stepping-stone, a transition. It is a crossroads, where one must choose which path to take, and it is a no-man’s-land, belonging neither to one side nor to the other. It is a highlight or peak point of experience, and at the same time a situation of extreme tension, caught between two opposites. It is an open space, filled with an atmosphere of suspension and uncertainty, neither this nor that. In such a state one may feel confused and frightened, or one may feel surprisingly liberated and open to new possibilities where anything might happen.”
From my own experience and from my work practice, I can sense this is where a lot of our anxiety, worries, rumination lie. This can be challenging to sustain throughout our lives, it requires a lot of our openness, self investigation, community etc. In child development, it’s really fundamental that kids get to role play a situation they are working through. By acting it out, they can understand more about themselves, their emotions around it. They learn about decision making and they can release some of the tension this situation might be bringing up. I can’t help but think that as adults we need that too. Whether it is a physical activity, a project, small daily tasks. I’m learning that by consistently showing up at the gym, I get to practice and embody this experience to take myself from point A to point B. I learned that there’s actually a lot of value in finishing a thing I’ve committed myself to. Even though, in life I have to deal with the discomfort of uncertainty, at the gym I can give myself permission to cross these milestones and learn about my own strength. As if, I’m working a muscle that I’ll need when the finish line is not very clear, when the road isn’t quite showing, when things are a bit blurry. When the waiting is longer than expected.
There’s a lady I see often at the gym who must be around 80 years old. One day we were training close to each other and I told her how important and inspiring to me it has been to watch her. She smiled back at me and after a moment of silence, she said: Once we get past the fear that comes with discovering how strong we are, discipline towards ourselves becomes our freedom.
with love,
Mariana
1 - New playlist for our workouts
2- Why adults lose the beginner’s mind
3- Adrienne Maree Brown and Prentil Hemphill on restoring our rhythm and embodiment
4- What happens when you try to escape yourself
5- Joy as practice of resistance and belonging with Ross Gay
6- Talking about wisdom. New podcast Wiser than me. Julia talks to Jane Fonda
7- Ruyichi’s last playlist. He had been compiling privately to be played at his own funeral
8- Watch. Interpret. Select. Engage. Reflect. A study shows the wiser model to handle strong emotions
9- During my divorce, close friends became a parachute. A reflection on the power of friendships
10- How can I tell if I’m depressed or burned out? (Not that I think one article can dictate such thing, but I’ve been noticing a big confusion around this).
FREE MONTHLY GATHERING: GUIDED MEDITATION + BREATHING PRACTICE
This is a virtual circle and as always everyone is invited, meditation experience and talking/sharing is NOT required. We’ll explore our inner strength.
NEXT GATHERING
June 30th
9am/pst
On Zoom
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Additional Offerings
Mentorship for New Teachers : One-on-One Mentoring Sessions to Beginner or New Teachers or people who wants additional training
Corporate Programs : Contemplative Program for Companies
Private Sessions: One-on-One Contemplative Psychotherapy Program
A little about the private sessions
My work is dynamic, present and unique to individual needs. Together, we will create the conditions for a safe and connected space that makes expansive self-exploration possible. Together we’ll find stillness and awareness to help meet yourself where you are and with inquiry and acceptance begin a process of self-compassion and integration, through a combination of the following:
Meditation instructions and coaching for both beginner and more experienced meditators
Body awareness practices and visualizations for a more embodied and somatic experience
Support in becoming more aware of and breaking free from negative patterns
Guidance to integrate techniques of both formal and informal practices into daily life
Practical tools to process difficult emotions, self-criticism, negativity and grief
Moments of dialogues, inquiries and processing
Won’t you celebrate with me
won't you celebrate with me
what i have shaped into
a kind of life? i had no model.
born in babylon
both nonwhite and woman
what did i see to be except myself?
i made it up
here on this bridge between
starshine and clay,
my one hand holding tight
my other hand; come celebrate
with me that everyday
something has tried to kill me
and has failed.
-Lucille Clifton