On Inner Knowing
aka on unblocking or on knowing who we are or on unknowing what we think we are
When I was little, my mom used to take me to an elderly lady who blessed us. Such practice is very common throughout Latin America. They are called Benzedeiras in Portuguese and Curanderas in Spanish. This particular woman lived in the back of a house. We’d have to open the little gate, all rusted, and walk a long path with a cement floor and many potted plants until the end, to her little home. It was simple but it smelled like sage and rosemary. She was a tiny lady, always in a flowery dress. I mostly remember her soft and wrinkled hands, her gentle voice and precise eyes. The idea that my mom would drive us there and put us in the hands of this person, to receive a blessing, it spoke loud volumes to me. The underlying message that I got is that there’s this inner source, this power inside and outside our bodies, that we all have access to. At one of our visits, she said something to me: There’s an invisible line, inside of you. This line runs through your body and whispers to you ideas, paths, choices. Everyone has a different line. This line is what connects you to others, to God, to the Universe. It’s your direct telephone. Don’t ever get far from it. Don’t ever forget it. As you grow, it will get harder and harder to listen, but it will always be there. Always. My head nodded and in silence I said yes, like children do when they are taking information that is too big to digest all at once.
In a solution oriented Western world, where we want quick answers about who we are, what to do when we feel x or y in 5 posts, or how to cure this, and that in 10 steps. I find that an underlying common theme in this pursuit is actually a plea to get to know who we truly are. Perhaps in the pursuit to find these quick answers or formulas, what we are seeking is to answer the questions of: Who am I deep inside? But, how to know this invisible line when so many defenses had to be put up growing up? Or the question can also be: How to know oneself despite having had a difficult, confusing or disconnected experience growing up? James Hillman, who’s work I’ve been exploring and was a Jungian for 40 years wrote: “Today’s main paradigm for understanding a human life, the interplay of genetics and environment, omits something essential - the particularity you feel to be you.”
Beyond nature and nurture, he posits the existence of a third force shaping a person’s personality and character, namely the imprint of our unique individuality that is stamped on each of our souls. This imprint - or “acorn,” as he puts it - carries in seed form our habits and mannerisms, loves and hates, predilections and passions. It is that irreducible essence to which a man of 80 refers when he claims he is the same person he was at age 10. Only now, near the end of life, is the image contained in the acorn displayed for all to see, in the form of the full-grown oak tree that is his biography. The process of growing this oak tree, becoming the person one was meant to become, is what gives meaning and purpose to life, according to him: “For that is what is lost in so many lives, and what must be recovered: a sense of personal calling, that there is a reason I am alive.” Hillman is pointing out a deep knowledge other people have carried for centuries, such as Indigenous Communities, African Religions, Buddhism, Spiritualism. This poem from Joy Harjo, immediately has this effect on me:
Remember the sky that you were born under,
know each of the star’s stories.
Remember the moon, know who she is.
Remember the sun’s birth at dawn, that is the
strongest point of time. Remember sundown
and the giving away to night.
Remember your birth, how your mother struggled
to give you form and breath. You are evidence of
her life, and her mother’s, and hers.
Remember your father. He is your life, also.
Remember the earth whose skin you are:
red earth, black earth, yellow earth, white earth
brown earth, we are earth.
Remember the plants, trees, animal life who all have their
tribes, their families, their histories, too. Talk to them,
listen to them. They are alive poems.
Remember the wind. Remember her voice. She knows the
origin of this universe.
Remember you are all people and all people
are you.
Remember you are this universe and this
universe is you.
Remember all is in motion, is growing, is you.
Remember language comes from this.
Remember the dance language is, that life is.
Remember.
The word remember is so powerful here. This is why I’m always interested in the dialogue between Contemplative Practices and Psychology/Psychoanalysis. To balance the intellectualized knowing which we are embedded with the deep inner feeling that lives inside of us. Standing in this intersection allows us to learn from both, and broaden our rigid perspectives. I, for once, like the idea of ourselves as many different parts. This concept has been studied in Psychoanalysis for decades and explored in various Spiritual Traditions; more recently it’s been spread by Internal Family Systems Theory. In IFS, they expand on the concept of the Self, Richard Schwartz writes: “We are all born with a Self. It does not develop through stages or borrow strength from the therapist, and it cannot be damaged. It can, however, be occluded or overwhelmed by parts. In addition, the Self is not a passive observer. Once parts differentiate, the Self is a compassionate, collaborative leader that can be active or still as needed. Though the Self has been known and named in Spiritual traditions all around the world for centuries, and most of us can remember at least a few spacious moments of inner peace that denote the Self, it remains the most challenging concept to access”.
Many of us grew up without feeling found, without being reflected back, acknowledged in our own experience (we often heard: you're making a big deal out of nothing, you are so sensitive, you should have known better, you are imagining things, you are not behaving well - the list goes on). This creates a real sense that our inner experience doesn’t match with what an adult, “who knows more”, is telling us about ourselves. This gap is confusing and as we grow up we begin to learn to shut down our inner knowing. We begin to look at others to be acknowledged. We lose our self trust. We lose our capacity to believe in our internal voice and experience and we spend most of our lives looking for others to tell us what to do and how to feel.
So, when we talk about inner knowing or knowing ourselves, what are we really talking about?
We might be entering a realm where words are too limited for it. We might be talking about being comfortable in not receiving the outside input telling us what we are and what we should feel. We are maybe talking about remembering. We might be talking about tolerating taking risks and, begin a dialogue with our parts (the ones that we don’t like and the ones we aren’t even aware of). We might be entering the realm of unknowing the ways in which we covered the invisible line. Like a flower, we slowly open up. As Anais Nin reminds us: “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”
With love,
Mariana
1- A beautiful film of Remember, the poem from Joy Harjo + if you want to expand on Hillman’s acorn theory, I highly recommend The Soul’s Code
2- What we learn about ourselves in the wildness
3- I always return to this poem from Hannah Emerson: Keep yourself at the beginning of the beginning
4- Nikki Giovanni on trusting your own voice
5- This story gave me goosebumps
6- Get out now
7- Your brain needs more rest than we think
8- Reimagining life with friendship at the center
9- What are your simple pleasures?
10- A mini playlist + if you want to deepen your exploration on topics I write about here I’ve posted 9 new meditations.
If these themes resonate with you and you are interested in a deep, more personal experience, I support individuals, teams and new teachers in different capacities. If you need more information, you can find it here:
Private Sessions: One-on-One Contemplative Psychotherapy
Mentorship for New Teachers : One-on-One Mentoring Sessions to Beginner or New Teachers or people who wants additional training
Corporate Programs : Contemplative Program for Companies
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FREE MONTHLY COMMUNITY GATHERING
Friday, March 29 at 9am/pst
As always, everyone is welcomed! We’ll work with the concept of self cohesion. I introduce the topic, often do a quick reading of related material and we dive into the practice: breathing exercises + guided meditation. No need to talk/share, if there’s questions you can ask at the end or send me an email.
To join, visit here
“I am learning every day to allow the space between where I am and where I want to be to inspire me and not terrify me.”
―Tracee Ellis Ross