On Guilt
“Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do.” ― Voltaire.
Guilt for not doing enough, guilt for not being in all places, guilt for not exercising or for exercising but then feeling guilty for not doing the laundry, guilt for resting on the weekends. Guilt for not knowing how to rest. Guilt for working too much. Guilt for saying no and then feeling guilty for saying yes wishing to have said no, guilt for not feeling great or for not having it all together. Guilt for eating eggs, bread, oats, dairy. Mom guilt. Guilt for feeling good. You name it! By just writing this I can feel my heart pumping fast, my belly contracting and an intense squeezing sensation.
Guilt is a type of pervasive feeling ingrained in our collective and individualized psyche. If we zoom out on a society level, I think we move in a spectrum where we can be: feeling guilty for EVERYTHING, making others feel guilty for EVERYTHING or feeling guilty for NOTHING. If we zoom in, into our own internal lives, we begin to notice guilt is sometimes the name we give to other emotions that are very uncomfortable to feel.
This is a vast topic and it has different ramifications. We can talk about guilt from a more broad perspective: societal and religious morals. We can also look at the differences between guilt and responsibilities (when we actually did something wrong or were at fault). However, today I want to focus on guilt that is more related to “shoulds”. A type of guilt that has to do with our own internal voice: “I should be doing better, more, faster, different, louder, quieter.”
Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP) categorizes emotions into two groups: core emotions and inhibitory emotions. According to this approach, humans are hard-wired to experience core emotions, such as fear, anger, sadness, disgust, joy, and excitement, which are triggered in the middle part of the brain and are not subject to our conscious control. Core emotions are brilliant sources of wisdom, providing influential messages that are meant to be adaptive and help navigate our lives. Alternatively, inhibitory emotions, such as shame, anxiety, and guilt, are learned emotions on a mission to block (inhibit) core emotions. Inhibitory emotions block core emotions for two reasons: when the brain attempts to protect you from the perceived emotional overwhelm that a core emotion may elicit, and when the core emotion may create conflict with a person whom you feel you need to please, such as a partner or parent.
So, if we think of guilt as an inhibitory emotion, when we get in touch with it the question is:
WHAT ARE YOU FEELING GUILTY ABOUT?
We begin to feel guilty when we are little, through introjecting our caregiver’s message of “what is right, what is expected of us, what we should do ''. They experienced the same, with their own caregivers. As a society: norms, social rules, and religious morals are part of the way human beings are organized around and also how certain groups “controlled and still control” others, especially women, children, and minorities. On Civilizations and its Discontents, Freud began to touch on all of this. He says we internalize our own instinctual aggression and direct it towards ourselves in the form of guilt.
Thinking of guilt as a pyramid, where at the top we have society’s morals and rules, followed by our family dynamics of how this is acted out and reinforced, then underneath is our cultural collective messages, such as positive self help, quick fixes that negate our internal experience by telling us exactly how we should feel in a 30 second social media post. Then at the bottom, is our internal dialogue, our own internal paradoxical conflict.
This layered context can lead us to feel a chronic state of shame. Because if we never examine it, we begin a displacement from feeling guilty to feeling ashamed. As in guilt, we are dealing with thoughts of “I did something wrong”, in shame we deal with thoughts of “I’m bad”. You see how they feed into each other?
“We feel guilty for what we do. We feel shame for what we are” - Lewis Smedes
On one hand, guilt can be a slime-like-feeling, on the other because of its inhibitory quality, it can help us actually work with core emotions that are needing attention, care, understanding, and processing. We can get to know how guilt works for ourselves when we start to ask: When do we feel it? When does it get activated? When do we lean on it? When do we exempt ourselves from it? It really is a type of flashlight that leads us to more complex parts within us. This then takes us to a second question:
WHAT ARE YOU FEELING GUILTY FOR?
The first question helps us connect with what is underneath guilt. Whereas, this second inquiry can reveal to us how we unconsciously lean into guilt as a protective function. Perhaps to not affirm our needs, to not do what we wish we could do, to make ourselves the bad person, or to preserve a sense of a good image about ourselves or others. The list goes on. In a way, guilt is neutral, it’s what activates within us that we want to become aware of. Feeling guilty may also be a precarious way to regulate our nervous system depending on the core emotion that is underneath.
When we begin to release ourselves from guilt, it means we begin to be more responsible, it means we begin to align with our own internal values rather than with what is expected of us, it means we release ourselves from self imposed obligations that we don’t even know where we picked them up from. This can be scary because somewhere inside of us, guilt serves the purpose to help us remain “good”. When exploring our relationship with guilt, it looks like we begin to find an alternative road, one that we discover with our own compass, drawing our own map. A road nobody walked on but ourselves.
With love,
Mariana
1- One of my many versions of a guilt free playlist, how’d be yours?
2- For all the women out there, I really enjoy this reading: Are you in the portal?
3- A poem to my 24 years old self from Elisa Gonzalez
4- Erza Klein does it again, on holding difficult conversations
5- Pema Chodron on her one non negotiable
6- The power of changing our mind
7- What I wish someone had told me about meditation
8- Bowie’s reading list
9- Am I practicing guilt or generosity?
10- Rosalia, se nos rompió el amor. Uff!
I support individuals, teams and new teachers in different capacities. If you need more information, you can find it here:
Private Sessions: One-on-One Contemplative Psychotherapy
Mentorship for New Teachers : One-on-One Mentoring Sessions to Beginner or New Teachers or people who wants additional training
Corporate Programs : Contemplative Program for Companies
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FREE MONTHLY COMMUNITY GATHERING
Friday, February 23 at 9am/pst
As always, everyone is welcomed! We’ll work with GUILT. I introduce the topic, often do a quick reading of related material and we dive into the practice: breathing exercises + guided meditation. No need to talk/share, if there’s questions you can ask at the end or send me an email.
To join, visit here
pay attention to
what sits inside of yourself
and watches you
-Lucile Clifton