Q&A + Meditation Recording N.10
a reader's question on overthinking and a reflection on the nervous system
This is normally a paid post, but I felt like sharing this one with everyone because it’s such a common topic. I hope it’s helpful!
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Question:
I’m constantly overthinking. I overthink what other people’s opinion are about me, I overthink what I say in different social events. I overthink when I don’t want to disappoint or bother others. I overthink when I need to say no.I overthink when trying to read into what people say. This makes me feel like I take things personally a lot, even though I don’t want to. Finally, I overthink about my own decisions. What’s wrong with me? Your last letters talked about guilt and inner voice, which really resonated with me. Thank you for the space you created here! Can you talk more about this?
*Note: if you have a question/letter you'd want to share, you can send it to me anonymously here.
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To begin, thank you for sharing this. Overthinking is actually a very common experience for many of us currently. It makes sense, if we consider the complex and chaotic world we live in, where we are constantly vigilant and trying our best to stay regulated.
In Psychoanalysis, overthinking is often described as a form of defense mechanism that serves to protect us from unconscious conflicts or challenging emotions. In other words, we use various defense mechanisms to cope with anxiety and distress, and overthinking is one such mechanism. It is also a form of intellectualization, where we use excessive thinking or rationalization to avoid confronting underlying emotional issues. Overthinking serves to distance ourselves from uncomfortable or painful emotions by focusing on intellectual processes.
From a Jungian perspective, overthinking might be seen as an imbalance between the conscious and unconscious aspects of the psyche. A way to uncover unconscious material that is seeking integration into consciousness.
In Tibetan Buddhism, the view is somewhat similar; overthinking is also seen as a source of suffering, as it can lead to rumination, anxiety, and attachment to thoughts and concepts. We can get caught in a cycle of thinking as a way to soothe ourselves, protect, and numb.
We cannot change anything until we accept it. - Carl Jung
But, why do we do it?
We are relational beings; therefore, our sense of self and our understanding of others are interdependent and shaped by our relational experiences. From this perspective, overthinking can be seen as a way of navigating and making sense of complex relational dynamics, as well as a way to manage or regulate our relationships. Several childhood experiences can contribute to overthinking patterns in adulthood, shaping our beliefs, behaviors, and coping mechanisms for stress. A few examples include:"
Emotional Invalidation:
In my last letter, I talked about the experience of growing up and not being found. We often heard, 'you are making a big deal out of this,' 'you are too sensitive,' or 'you are imagining things.' This creates a sense that our inner experience does not match what an adult is telling us, leading to overanalyzing our feelings and having a hard time processing them.
Perfectionism+ High Expectations:
Growing up in an environment with a lot of emphasis on perfectionism, achievement, and little tolerance for mistakes, we might develop overthinking as adults striving to meet unrealistic standards. This can result in constant self-criticism and rumination.
Critical Parents/Caregivers:
If we had highly critical caregivers, we might have developed a sense of fear or inadequacy, which can lead to overthinking as adults, as we try to avoid making mistakes or seek approval from others.
Unpredictable environments:
Growing up in an unpredictable or chaotic environment can lead to overthinking as a way to try to make sense of the world and anticipate potential dangers.
I think we all can relate to some extent to these examples. Some of us had more challenging experiences than others, but the reality is that many of us are now recognizing some of the subtle ways we learned to cope. These early experiences can shape us and influence how we develop emotional and cognitive patterns. However, this blueprint is not fixed. Neuroscience research shows us that through various tools such as therapy, contemplative practices, support groups, and books, we can explore how to work with all of this.
And, what can we do about it?
I can’t help but immediately think about the BODY when it comes to overthinking. What is incredible is that it goes both ways: the body can store stress, but it can also help us heal.
It has a lot to do with how safe or unsafe we feel in our bodies. It’s related to how much space we have to let the emotions stay, be felt, and be expressed. The body is a huge container that is constantly regenerating.
When we are in overthinking mode, we are activating the body's stress response, leading to dysregulation of the nervous system. The Sympathetic Nervous System, responsible for the body's 'fight or flight' response, is constantly on, leading to chronic stress. Additionally, overthinking impacts our cortisol levels, sleep, and the vagus nerve, a key component of our Parasympathetic Nervous System, responsible for our 'rest and digest' response and overall state of calm.
It's through the body that we can begin to create a sense of safety, groundedness, and space in order to explore our relationship with overthinking.
Here are a few ways to begin:
Recognize signals: By paying attention to bodily sensations such as increased heart rate, shallow breathing, or muscle tension, individuals can become more aware of when they are entering a state of overthinking.
Sense of Safety: What makes you feel safe? Routines, activities, friendships, hobbies. Starting to create a physical and emotional sense of safety can be the beginning of establishing a long relationship of safety with our bodies.
Journal: Write without editing, put on the page what’s been in your head, even better if using pen and paper. This can create a structure for externalizing thoughts, creating awareness of patterns, and regulating emotions.
Grounding Practices: Deep breathing with long exhales, walking meditations, body scams, singing or humming breath. These are all helpful to help regulate the nervous system.
As always, these are invitations to think about our relationship with the things we don't like about ourselves. The more we allow our bodies the capacity to feel, self-regulate, and complete cycles, the more we will find a spacious, clear, and more compassionate mind.
With love,
Mariana
MEDITATION RECORDING
A few instructions:
This is a Mindfulness Meditation that can be use as a regular/daily practice, it explores the 4 foundations of mindfulness: breath, sensations, mind and all experience.
Find yourself in a quiet place
Sit as you feel most comfortable, you can either use a couch, bed, chair or the ground. Find a posture that helps you stay awake but relaxed
Eyes can be fully closed or you can have your gaze pointed on a point near you on the ground
Take your time to transition back into your tasks