Q&A + Meditation Recording N.6
a reader's question on ending relationships + a powerful meditation practice
Question:
I find myself having a really hard time letting go of relationships (love, friendships, work). Why is it so hard to overcome a relationship that didn’t work out?
*Note: if you have a question/letter you'd want to share, you can send it to me anonymously here.
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We are made of relationships. We are relational beings. Perhaps we often underestimate this fact. We get affected by people around us. Therefore, relationships have a huge impact on our emotions, psyche, and physical lives. It shapes us, it changes us, it moves us.
I don’t know if I believe in a relationship that has worked out, at least, not in a definitive way. As long as we are here, we are called to participate and take care of our relationships. There are no guarantees. It’s not a given. This also goes for relationships that’ve ended. I’m not sure I believe in the definition of “not working out”. There are longer, enduring relationships and there are shorter, seasonal relationships. They all have their value, history and context.
That being said, when we end a relationship, on top of dealing with the sadness, anger or grief, we also have to separate ourselves from what we were to this other person. We lose the image that we had of ourselves, in this particular interaction. This is a lot to contend with and it can keeps us in a place of stuckness, as you mention.
When we love someone, we also love the image we have of ourselves in the eyes of the others who love us back. This means we have to reinvent, update, and rescue a prior image of who we are. When a relationship ends, we are subtly and sometimes not so subtly separating from ourselves. It brings us a lot
This is the challenging part. The heavy lifting. The part we avoid. Because it hurts. However, it’s where we find out more about who we are, how we love, how we want to be loved, how we want to spend our days and with whom, how we nurture ourselves, how we communicate.
It could be interesting to go deeper in which ways you get stuck:
Is it about letting go of the image you had of yourself from the perspective of the person who loved you?
Is it about the fear of finding a new image of who you are, separated from the gaze of a loved one?
Is it the fear of grieving what you were for this person?
“Not everything is meant to be mended. Not all relationships are meant to last a lifetime. Sometimes we have to learn to get comfortable with the gifts that are offered through the ruptures and the endings instead of the stories of repair and reconciliation. It’s much harder to be face-to-face with this. Our tolerance for it is low. And yet, some of our greatest gifts, offerings, and lessons come from this space. The relationship that doesn’t work out but teaches you something important about yourself. The rupture that doesn’t get mended but shows you something new about a pattern of yours. There is value in getting comfortable in this space.” - Vienna Pharaon
Relationships will open up our hearts, even through breaking them, if we are present for it, we can allow for this openness to show us how we can continue to get closer to ourselves.
I hope you slowly find more about who you are in the midst of this grief, pain, and this invitation to face yourself.
With love,
Mariana
MEDITATION RECORDING
A few instructions:
EQUALIZING PRACTICE: The meditation recording below is a practice to work with people in our lives. It’s a powerful practice that brings up a lot of compassion and insight.
Find yourself in a quiet place
Sit as you feel most comfortable, you can either use a couch, bed, chair or the ground. Find a posture that helps you stay awake but relaxed
Eyes can be fully closed or you can have your gaze pointed on a point near you on the ground
Take your time to transition back into your tasks
Next month’s free meditation gathering will be on September, 29th. More info here.
