Q&A + Meditation Recording N.7
a reader's question on why we repeat ourselves
Question:
Hi, thank you for this space you’ve created in a very busy, fast paced, stimulating, and polarizing internet.
My question is related to something I’ve been reflecting on a lot lately. I consider myself to be very aware of my struggles, patterns, and behaviors. However, even though I’m aware of them, I sometimes still find myself falling into the same reactions and repetitions. Why? Why do we repeat what we supposedly already know?
*Note: if you have a question/letter you'd want to share, you can send it to me anonymously here.
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Thank you for your words and thank you for your question. It’s such a good one.
While this is a huge topic, with a lot of layers, I’ll try to focus on the basics to offer some pointers that hopefully will turn into paths for you and all of us to reflect further.
In the psychoanalytic view, repetition is a very important topic and lots has been written about and around it. Starting with Freud, who quickly understood that many people failed to remember much or anything from their early life. He then observed another phenomenon that came into play in the therapeutic situation: repetition. Rather than remembering, recalling an experience, the patient simply reproduced it, but with an important aspect, they remained unaware of what they were doing.
In simple terms, repetition is an attempt to re-enact either a traumatic event or just a life circumstance, in order to understand, heal, master or find comfort in its familiarity.
Freud called the repetition compulsion a desire to return to an earlier state of things.
We have a strong impulse to move closer to what is known to us, even if it causes us pain or discomfort.
Buddhist Psychology will say something familiar, the root of our suffering lies in our grasping, our clinging. And, it happens via the repetition of our habitual patterns of actions and views, which is at the root of mental states. These states can be so solid, so concrete that it forms an idea of who we are. In a very unreliable way, we try to find certainty in our uncertain selves.
In other words, repetitive thoughts can be a form of soothing. Without much awareness we really believe and live from the grasping in thoughts and its repetition. This is why for a lot of us to get quiet, to find inner silence is actually terrifying while overthinking can be a way to manage our strong emotions, like fear, worry, anger.
Mark Epstein, in his book Thoughts Without A Thinker, says: “The interesting thing about the phenomenon of repeating is that the material that is repeated is often just what we resist knowing about ourselves, that with which we are most identified but least aware; that which we are least able to remember consciously”.
Your question seems to want to explore beyond. You want to understand why we keep repeating if we already done the work of being aware of it. You’d be surprised to know that knowing about a repetition, does not necessarily make it stop completely.
We are a bit more complex than that. And, we have the unconscious still working in ways we will never going to fully know.
I’m always inviting in my writing for us to challenge the view that put us in a pursuit for a full “healed version of ourselves”. As if we never going to return to old patterns, as if old wounds aren’t still present. As if memories and the unconscious aren’t part of us. It’s just not how we are. All we were made of (past experiences, memories, emotions) is still present. What we learn with time, process, compassion and trust is to
allow for them to be there, really allow.
Perhaps the most important question when thinking about this is not:
WHY do we repeat but FOR WHAT?
I think of repetition as a way of being stuck. We are fixed, pinned down, in a primary wound, without (apparent) choices while our psyche is searching for options.
In general, when we are caught in this repetition there’s some pay off we are not willing to give up just yet.
For example: I’m aware I repeat the behavior of being highly critical with myself and others, because the risk of being vulnerable is way too high and too exposed for me to take.
Here’s where I think embodiment/somatic work is so fundamental. To help and support what is still not elaborated and processed in words, or what we might be aware of but still need to create enough space within ourselves to allow for it to be felt fully, so it does not need to be acted out in other situations.
Some reflections to explore:
When I notice the repetition of old behaviors I’m aware of, what is happening for me at the moment? How am I feeling in my body and in my surroundings?
After I catch my repetition, how do I respond to it and myself?
What aspects of my repetition are still a form of protection and defense?
What would happen if I didn’t repeat, in a particular situation, and took on a different approach?
I hope this is helpful,
with love,
Mariana
MEDITATION RECORDING
A few instructions:
The meditation bellow explore our inner inclinations. I think it can pair well with this topic of repetition
Find yourself in a quiet place
Sit as you feel most comfortable, you can either use a couch, bed, chair or the ground. Find a posture that helps you stay awake but relaxed
Eyes can be fully closed or you can have your gaze pointed on a point near you on the ground
Take your time to transition back into your tasks
