On Projection
why we place on others what we can't feel or wish could feel
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Gala, my eight-year-old daughter, has been attending swimming lessons for a while now. They work on techniques like rainbow arms, long strokes, keeping the hips and head in the water without sinking, pointing the toes, and not bending the knees. Every week, I sit and watch her, feeling like an orchestra conductor trying to mentally help her synchronize her body in a completely different environment. It doesn't come easy for her. She watches as the other kids move faster, while she struggles to get everything in sync. The coach corrects her, she tries again, the coach corrects her one more time. Week after week, she keeps trying.
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Has it ever happened to you? When you are just going about your life and then something hits you from left field? Like a comment, a facial expression, a passive-aggressive message, a demand, or a confrontation? Something that makes you scratch your head and look for ways in which you might have contributed to such a lash-out from someone else, from a friend or closed one?
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Projections. In relational psychoanalysis, projection is understood as a defense mechanism where individuals attribute their own thoughts, feelings, or impulses onto another person. This process can serve several functions, including avoiding uncomfortable aspects of the self, managing anxiety, or maintaining a sense of self-cohesion.
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Last week, Gala left the pool in tears. She buried her head in my body and said, 'I won't come back here anymore.' After her shower, I tried to talk to her, but she was completely determined. She kept repeating, 'I won't come back here anymore. I don't like it.' Life is becoming larger and larger for her. Things are starting to get more complicated, nuanced, and real. Witnessing it is both exhilarating and a holy-shit-make-it-stop kind of feeling. She is feeling the wave of big emotions while deciding at the same time if she can handle it or if she has to throw it at me, which often happens. When we enter this territory, when she lash out with rude comments, it’s the signal we are in a place where she is having a hard time time holding whatever it is she is feeling and therefore she needs to place it on me, to release some of the anxiety, fear, anger she might be experiencing.
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The projection of the shadow onto others is the root of almost all conflicts. -Carl Jung.
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Projection is what makes relationships so interesting and layered. It's a human characteristic; we all do it! It can become a defense mechanism when we use it to avoid our discomfort, thereby attributing to others that which we can't feel ourselves. This can lead to blaming, attacking, or being passive-aggressive. On the other hand, we can also idealize, such as when we fall in love or feel inspired by someone. But why do we project? Most of the time, projections occur at an unconscious level. We're not fully aware that we're doing it. We project in the hopes of relieving discomfort, such as difficult emotions, anxiety, or ambiguous feelings therefore we attribute it to others. We might also project to maintain a sense of self-esteem, especially if we feel threatened by another person. Additionally, we might project to avoid taking responsibility, using blame or attack as a way to cover up for ourselves.
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Don't Take Anything Personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. - Don Miguel Ruiz
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For days, I received her disappointment, frustration, and shame in the form of random attacks. I noticed my inclination to engage in the projection dance: 'You are going back! We don’t give up! We will finish what we started!' which, in a way, is my own projection back at her. On one of these occasions where she was very upset, with tears in her eyes, I took a pause and decided to not engage in this bickering anymore. With a more grounded tone of voice, I said, 'I’ll be very honest with you. What worries me the most is that whenever you have a challenge in life, whenever things get difficult, you'll give up. Without trying harder, you'll never know what you will be able to accomplish.' She listened with attention. I then asked her 'What is it about that makes you not want to go back?' She then answered quietly, 'It’s annoying.' I asked, 'Is it annoying to not know? To try and try and not be able to do it right?' She nodded in tears. And, melted in my arms.
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What is hard for you is not what is wrong with you - Jessica Lanyadoo
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When we are projecting, it can be very difficult to become aware of it. Maybe we can do it in therapy or with a close friend, or we can begin to explore on our own what is behind that dynamic. In which ways we can begin to take ownership of it and get curious about it. It’s not an easy process, but it’s a liberating experience. To realize, 'Oh! This is not about them, it’s about my own insecurities.' Or, 'They aren’t angry with me, this is just my own fear of displeasing others.'
Now, when we are being projected upon, we also can have a choice. Either engage or we can see it for what it is and unhook from it. Again, not the easiest thing, especially with our closest ones. We’ll feel hurt, self-righteous, we’ll feel it is unfair, we’ll feel that we need to respond. Here is when we can begin to also get curious, why do I need to respond? Does this belong to me? Do I need to prove my point? Do I need to make them feel bad too?
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Soon after she was able to share her feelings with me, and I was able to unhook from both projections, I met her where she was. She shared more with me, with more openness and honesty, how frustrating it is to see the other kids do it very well, how the teacher is very impatient with her, that she really is trying so hard every time. My heart broke for her.' 'Of course you are trying hard, I can see that,' I reassured her. I'm familiar with the feeling of inadequacy, of failing, of coming up short. I held her, her feelings, and my own memories of when I was her age, in ballet classes. When I tried to lift my leg up so high but couldn't, or tried to do a split gracefully. I told her, 'You know, some things come easy for you like drawing, painting, dancing, and others don’t. And this is how it is with everyone.’
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What is hard for you is not what is wrong with you - Jessica Lanyadoo
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Towards the end of our conversation, I could still sense my own agenda of trying to teach the resilient lesson, which is something I’m trying to undo for myself as an adult, as a woman who lives under systems that thrive on the resilient heroic message, making us all sick, stressed, and overwhelmed. So I said one last time, 'You know, I’m sorry you felt this way. I’m still worried about how you will face challenges.'
She then said to me, 'Was reading easy for me?' I said no. 'Did I like reading?' I said no. 'And now don’t we read together every night and I’m loving it?' I said yes. 'So you have your answer, mama.' I was speechless and surprised but also not. She taught me something new again. After she made her point, I rested my case. She was standing for her own time, her own process. Yes, swimming lessons will always be there, she will go back to it whenever she wants to, perhaps with more support, with a larger perspective and, knowing more about herself than before.
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Be like water making its way through cracks. Do not be assertive, but adjust to the object, and you shall find a way around or through it. If nothing within you stays rigid, outward things will disclose themselves. - Bruce Lee
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A few days after this conversation, I told her that I spoke with the aquatic center to see about their cancelation policy and they offered a different teacher in a private class, to see if they can both work together in the areas she needs more support and help with. I told her, a bit hesitant, about this idea and asked if she would feel comfortable with it. She very casually answered, “Yes, I’m willing to try again.”
With love,
Mariana
A conversation on projection
On Restoring Our Rhythm with adrienne maree brown and Prentis Hemphill
This is water, a speech by David Foster Wallace
Self acceptance found in foraging
A conversation about interconnectedness with Sebene Selassie
A new playlist for swimming
A meditation on guilt
If these themes resonate with you and you are interested in a deep, more personal experience, I support individuals, teams and new teachers in different capacities. If you need more information, you can find it here:
Private Sessions: One-on-One Contemplative Psychotherapy
Mentorship for New Teachers : One-on-One Mentoring Sessions to Beginner or New Teachers or people who wants additional training
Corporate Programs : Contemplative Program for Companies
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FREE MONTHLY COMMUNITY GATHERING
Friday, June 7th at 9am/pst
As always, everyone is welcomed! We’ll do a practice on projection. I introduce the topic, often do a quick reading of related material and we dive into the practice: breathing exercises + guided meditation. No need to talk/share, if there’s questions you can ask at the end or send me an email.
To join, visit here.
Now that I’m free to be myself, who am I?
Can’t fly, can’t run, and see how slowly I walk.
Well, I think, I can read books.
“What’s that you’re doing?”
the green-headed fly shouts as it buzzes past.
I close the book.
Well, I can write down words, like these, softly.
“What’s that you’re doing?” whispers the wind, pausing
in a heap just outside the window.
Give me a little time, I say back to its staring, silver face.
It doesn’t happen all of a sudden, you know.
“Doesn’t it?” says the wind, and breaks open, releasing
distillation of blue iris.
And my heart panics not to be, as I long to be,
the empty, waiting, pure, speechless receptacle.
—Blue Irisby by Mary Oliver