After a long and much-needed break, I’m excited to be back! Thank you for your kind words while I was away, and I hope you had a restful summer—or perhaps a cozy winter hibernation. I truly appreciate you being here!
1.
One of my favorite video clips growing up was Ironic, from Alanis Morissette’s album Jagged Little Pill. Back in the MTV days, I remember waiting for it during the 6 p.m. show, when people would call in to vote, and they would broadcast the ten most popular video clips of the day. I was 12 years old when it came out. I don’t think I had ever seen anything like it before. I have vivid memories of all the details: the old car, the colorful outfits, the beautiful icy road, this strange singer who seemed like just a regular girl, and a music video that felt more like a short film. There’s something elusive about her straightforward lyrics and her authentic self, someone who clearly doesn’t take herself too seriously. My favorite part is the four different versions of her: singing, being, fully existing, as if she’s saying, Go ahead, you too have all these different parts existing within you; go find them.
After a quick search, I found out that the "supreme jury of the internet" has analyzed the lyrics and decided they contain very little, if any, actual irony—a debate that has apparently persisted since the album’s release and it’s very ironic in itself. Regardless, for me, this song is about those moments when we realize we have very little to absolutely no control in life. At 12, back home in Brazil, I was mesmerized by a foreign artist who found a way to put into words and images what I was probably contending with. As always, art places in front of us the reality we often try to escape.
2.
It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
And who would've thought? It figures.
3.
The irony in our deep pursuit for control resides in the fact that we simply don’t have it. But why, even though on some level we know we don’t have control, we still grasp for it? If we look into psychologically, the need for control can be understood as a way to manage relationships and our own attachment. If we have experienced inconsistent or unreliable caregiving, we may develop a heightened need for control to ensure some stability and predictability in our own relationships. This can manifest as controlling behavior in relationships as a defense against the fear of abandonment or rejection. We work really hard to make sure our environment is predictable: we might be really good at pleasing people, at avoiding confrontation, or we may take the responsibility of everything not to risk things will fall “out of control”. In other cases, the need for control is tied to maintaining a grandiose self-image. A more narcissistic organized person might feel a strong need to control others and their environment to protect their fragile self-esteem and avoid feelings of inadequacy or inferiority. And, finally the need for control can also involve projection, where we project our own unacceptable desires or feelings onto others. By attempting to control others, we are indirectly trying to control the parts of ourselves we find threatening. We might be jealous, strict in our thinking, very critical of ourselves and others. Bottom line: we place a huge importance on external control to help manage our internal conflict.
4.
A traffic jam when you're already late
A "No Smoking" sign on your cigarette break
It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife
It's meeting the man of my dreams
And then meeting his beautiful wife
5.
Rewatching the video, I was transported back to that time in my life when I was transitioning from being a child to becoming a teenager: a new version of myself. The tenderness of a changing body, new thoughts, new discoveries, new worries. It’s around that time when our armor begins to harden, our perceptions of the world sharpen, and our internal world grows louder. Looking back at that time, and at the video, I feel a mix of nostalgia, longing, and acknowledgment. It seems to me that, even though we are far past the age of 12, we often find ourselves returning to that period—especially when things aren’t going our way or seem out of control. Watching her sing about it, joyfully embodying all the different versions of herself, it’s as if she’s saying: Yes, life is going to mess with you. What are you going to do about it? Or, more importantly, who are you going to be?
6.
Well, life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everything's okay and everything's going right
And life has a funny way of helping you out
When you think everything's gone wrong
And everything blows up in your face
7.
After spending the last eight years talking to people about embodied and contemplative practices, and more recently seeing clients for psychotherapy treatment, one of the most common themes is control - especially connected to our deep desire to be loved/respected or to our wish for a predictable environment, where people behave exactly as we expect. The illusion of trying to attempt those things it’s not so much the issue—that impulse will likely always be there; it’s part of our individual imprinting. What we want to be curious about is what happens after: how we react when we can’t control things/people/situations? In Buddhist teachings, particularly in the Four Noble Truths, we learn that life always involves some type suffering. The second truth explains that there’s a cause for this suffering, often tied to our tendency to grasp and cling. This is the foundation of the Buddha’s teaching. He begins with the acknowledgment that suffering exists, and we can’t run from it, however, the reason we stay stuck in suffer is often linked to our need to grasp, cling, and control. As Byron Katie says, “I am a lover of what is, not because I’m a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality.”
8.
So when I hear “motivational instructions” getting thrown around, asking us to “let it go of control”, I feel skeptical. What are we really asking ourselves to do? For many of us, control has been a crucial mechanism for survival and stability. We can’t let go of something, when we haven’t dialogued with it. When we are relying on it, unconsciously. Perhaps before we jump into any “letting go” instruction, we might want to let it be, to listen to what control has to say to us, a few questions to consider:
-How do you recognize when you are operating from a place of control?
-How can you tell when you shift from openness or curiosity to complete shutdown, resistance, or grasping?
-How were you "controlled" or "not controlled" growing up, and how does that influence your current need to control others and yourself?
-If control could speak to you, what would it say? What would it reveal about what it is trying to protect or achieve?
9.
We expend a significant amount of energy trying to mold people and situations to fit our need for control. When this effort falls short, we confront what has been there all along: our helplessness, frustration, worries, fears, wishes, and longings. By skipping the gymnastics of maintaining control—if only momentarily—we might find the space to relax our shoulders, ease our jaws, and meet ourselves and others as we truly are, in this ironic, sometimes ridiculous, sometimes beautiful, very vulnerable, very out of control place that we call life.
10.
And yeah, life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
And life has a funny, funny way of helping you out
Helping you out
with love,
Mariana
The four noble truths - a podcast with Joseph Goldstein
The Many Lives of My Zillow Alter Ego
As always, the meditation recordings are free. Simply scroll through the posts to find each recording, which delves deeply into a specific topic: On rest, on guilt, on a mindfulness practice etc..
Talking about Alanis, I just found out she has a podcast with great guests covering a lot in mental health
Peace is free - lol!
Virginia Woolf on finding beauty in the uncertainty of time, space, and being
If these themes resonate with you and you are interested in a deep, more personal experience, I support individuals, teams and new teachers in different capacities. If you need more information, you can find it here:
Private Sessions: One-on-One Contemplative Psychotherapy
Mentorship for New Teachers : One-on-One Mentoring Sessions to Beginner or New Teachers or people who wants additional training
Corporate Programs : Contemplative Program for Companies
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FREE MONTHLY COMMUNITY GATHERING IS BACK!!
Friday, September 29 at 9am/pst (on Zoom)
As always, everyone is welcomed! We’ll explore our relationship with control. I introduce the topic, often do a quick reading of related material and we dive into the practice: breathing exercises + guided meditation. No need to talk/share, if there’s questions you can ask at the end or send me an email.
To join, visit here.
Allow
by Danna Faulds
There is no controlling life.
Try corralling a lightning bolt,
containing a tornado. Dam a
stream and it will create a new
channel. Resist, and the tide
will sweep you off your feet.
Allow, and grace will carry
you to higher ground. The only
safety lies in letting it all in –
the wild and the weak; fear,
fantasies, failures and success.
When loss rips off the doors of
the heart, or sadness veils your
vision with despair, practice
becomes simply bearing the truth.
In the choice to let go of your
known way of being, the whole
world is revealed to your new eyes.